Anger and conflict messages

Some people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, and tend to form relationships that reproduce abusive situations from the past in the present. The trick is that they are not clearly aware that their actual way of interacting with others is passive aggressive and sabotages the same bond they claim to cherish. To do so, they would have to also accept that they are now behaving in such a way (actively on others) as their parents did to them (passively, as recipients) years ago!

As we reach adulthood, our coping mechanisms become entrenched. Fear, resentment, anger, and hopelessness take over when we are dealing with conflict. The emotions are huge and seemingly uncontrollable. Depressed people frequently find a release from these negative emotions by fighting.

Conflict, in this case, reconnects the depressed party with another person. When resolution seems impossible, hopelessness leads to deeper depression and less hope. Fighting or arguing becomes the best outlet for self-expression. While this response can be healthy, some problems often follow.

Messages get misinterpreted, and those who don’t know how to process confrontations can isolate themselves and experience some further consequences such as eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and increased aggressive behavior.

These responses reveal an ongoing hidden anger together with a subsequent inability to manage it. In adulthood the anger becomes aimed at the wrong targets: instead of family members we act out at colleagues, acquaintances, lovers, and partners.

When we learn that open aggression is rejected by others, then we begin using passive aggression as a means to vent anger.

Tragically, when they are more needed than ever, conflict resolution skills disappear and leave us with the raw anger of the past, pushing us to fight, humiliate and break the other’s self-esteem!

This can be fatal in a family. If you are aware of the destructive role of anger in relationships, perhaps you can gather your courage and learn how to express frustration and sadness in a more cooperative and supportive way...At the end, we need to accept the families are composed by people who need each others' support and love, and expressing those feelings in the right way can cement love and companionship for ever.

Taming the stress monkey!

What is Your Monkey up to today?

Stress has become a household word. I am not sure when that happened. It is written about, talked about in countless books, tapes and DVDs available, promising quick and lasting relief. Most of those gather dust on people’s bookshelves while their stressful life continues.

What Causes Stress?

Let us have a closer look. Where does stress originate? Where does it actually start? I can hear you say: it is caused by my boss, my spouse, my teenage children, living in the city, technology……STOP!

Stress is created in one place and one place only – and that is your mind. Your big toe can’t make you tense nor can your little finger make you tense. In your mind you create all your fears, worries, stressful ideas and thoughts. Even if you wanted to, you could not go to a shop and buy a jar full of fear.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. It is much easier to blame somebody else outside of you. This is not where the problem originates! You are creating your thoughts and feelings.

All of these feelings cannot be measured or weighed, they are intangible. Yet, they create very real, negative results in your body. They can cause high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, insomnia, tension headaches and migraines, just to name a few.

How to Manage Stress?

To free yourself from physical and mental problems you have to tame your mind. You have to take responsibility for your mind’s actions. This might be difficult at first. You are the only one who can control your mind! You are the boss.

In a lot of the yoga literature the mind has been compared to a monkey, hopping around on a tree or from tree to tree, constantly moving and playing tricks on us. The mind is very restless, unable to concentrate and focus on one thing for any length of time. It creates ideas of fear, anxiety and guilt which turn into feelings.

Our body responds to those feelings by tensing certain parts, cutting blood flow to one area and sending more to another one, pouring out stress hormones which then cause blood pressure to rise and lots of other nasty things. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

How to Tame Your Monkey

• First of all, be gentle with yourself. It takes tame to re-learn the art of relaxation. Don’t feel bad if your mind wanders off, gently bring it back.
• Choose a method of relaxation that suits your personality and lifestyle. It is not going to work for you to buy a lovely 1 hour relaxation CD if you can only spare 10 minutes a day.
• Some simple methods to use:
o Buy a guided relaxation CD that you really like and feel comfortable with. Play it as it is or download it onto your computer or ipod.
o Create a quiet environment without disruptions. Take the phone off the hood and turn off your mobile.
o Make sure you are comfortable, sit or lie down. Don’t fall asleep.
o Keep bringing your mind back to the relaxation, no matter how often it wanders off. Keep persevering. In the beginning that might be very difficult.
o Join a stress management or yoga class; it might be easier for you to be in a group environment.
o Get private coaching or sessions with someone you trust till you feel comfortable working on your own.
o Get your partner involved. Have a relaxation session together. You then will be able to support each other during the day if you notice that the other person is starting to get tense or stressed out.
o Teach your children how to relax – you will have a much more peaceful household. They will be able to use the techniques they learnt before their exams.
o As time goes on, you will feel calmer and more relaxed overall. It will take longer to “stress you out”. You will be more aware of your body and where you hold your tension. Celebrate those achievements.
o Take action! No results without doing something. Do yourself and your family a favor and start “Taming your Monkey” today.

You will find a lot more helpful information, resources, support and encouragement on the website: www.yogahinahurry.com

Remember that even the longest journey starts with that single, very first step! I wish you good luck on your journey!

Connie from www.yogainahurry.com

First NewYear Goal: Manage disputes without acrimony

We all have our fresh hopes for this year, right? and perhaps one of your dreams is to teach yourself and your family how to manage disagreements in a better and more loving way?

What? are you asking that fights can not be pleasant? Mmmmmm, let me see what is the answer...

If you accept the basic premise that conflict is a way of learning about what has to be changed in your marriage, and not about "winning wars," then we are on the same page... Following this, then, we look at fights as a wonderful opportunity to get to know what the other side is now thinking, experiencing and needing.

Because, in the bottom line, all fights are about some frustrated needs. Needs for love, recognition, support, company, advice, tenderness....the list is endless. And we don't know how to express our needs in an efficient way; either because we are ashamed or humiliated for "having to beg for something the other is supposed to know about us and provide without our asking..."

So we initiate a fight, which is nothing out of the normal ways people behave. Everybody considers having a fight the good way to have some solution for hidden needs. The problem in love is that, as much as you fight for having your own needs solved, you attack and destroy the same relationship you need so much!

To avoid being carried away by hostility, anger and frustration, and end up insulting the person you love most, is that some researchers have offered a neat plan to be able to fight without rancour or excessive acrimony.

It is called FAIR FIGHTING, and it provides a set of norms or rules to follow when having a confrontation with your loved one. Remember, the point here is not to "win," but to preserve the relationship by having the two sides listening to each other needs.

Care to get a look at the method? It is described here:

www.relationshipheaven.com

Make Love a Priority in 2008

Make Love a Priority in 2008 – Chris Walker

Today, love without expectation. Appreciate someone you dislike, appreciate someone you fear, love someone you left behind. Appreciate people knowing tomorrow may never come, and that the deepest regret any human being can have is to hold back their love, even for a second.
Today, appreciate all those people that you love or have loved. Drink a glass of fresh water to their beauty, their gifts and their ways. Hope and wish that today and everyday, they are happy and healthy wish them long life. What else could love be, but the wish for someone else’s happiness?

Global change begins with personal change

Love is cumulative. Make every day of your life a Valentine’s Day. Act like today is the most important day of your relationship. Turn up on time. Do something kind. Prioritize your lover over your work. All compromises in a relationship add to its demise. Your relationship is the most important thing in your life. Stay humble. Be thankful, you’ll never loose what you appreciate.

A loving home is one of the most important keys to happiness
Try taking time to sit quietly in nature daily and imagine how much you appreciate life. Learn to admire people rather than wanting to change them. Find contentment within yourself, appreciating yourself by appreciating others. Remind yourself everyday that there is absolutely nothing to change in your partner, only something to love.

Build each day on a foundation of pleasant thoughts by always looking for the two sides. There are two sides to everything and everyone, so know the balance then simply focus on the positive. People become as you treat them. So acknowledge their gifts. Let the negatives take care of themselves. Remind yourself that through the power of thought, you can make the world a better place.

More love at home – a brighter future for the world
A magnificent key to creating a harmonious, lasting and sacred relationship is to understand that a loving person treats both those they like, and those they dislike, with respect. This is the spiritual aspect of it all. The true test comes when we are asked to love those who hurt us, those who are unkind to us. To be in love we can’t pretend to be loving and open hearted to one person, and judgmental and protective to one another. Love is a way of living, an attitude from which we choose a relationship and our way of making the world a better place, one heart at a time.

Never again clutter your days or nights with so much "business" and unimportant things that you have no time to be in love. If you can be in tune with your own mind and the rhythms of nature, then one moment standing with your partner in the midst of nature with an open heart is like a lifetime of fulfillment.

All of life is a miracle. The order of nature, the revolution of a hundred million words around a million of suns, the activity of light, the life of animals, all are grand and perpetual miracles. Voltaire

Chris Walker was an international business consultant up until he saw how relationships were suffering because of business and how much we needed to redefine our priorities around work and life. Chris has written over 30 books including Sacred Love. Visit SacredLovethebook.com and get your copies now. Excerpted from: Expect More From 2008, Page 7

Opening up your silent partner

Dear Nora

I’ve tried for a long time to have my husband sit down with me and have a conversation about “us.” Up until now, he refuses.
How do you get someone interested in working out misperceptions, which are followed by his anger as well as his control issues when he is not interested in even making an effort, because he thinks he does not feel like putting any attention towards solving emotional issues, or the way we relate-issues, as he feels it is all my fault?

He also says that he has no time to sweat the 'small stuff', which in my opinion is not small at all, because it disrupts our family life, especially for our little girl.

I am sitting here reading many things and breaking my head over finding a solution to get him engaged of even wanting to make things better. He has given up completely as he feels he does not want to put time or effort into conversations that are based on a more understanding, humble and intellectual approach.

He feels that it is enough to talk about things one time and if things don't work then it does not make sense. My husband believes in a 'quick fix' otherwise he has no time to waste.I am saddened over his mentality concerning the approach of how relationships and family life should work out and be lived, because to me it simply states that it is either 'his way, or the highway'. My feelings and opinions don't count in of his perspective, as he is the provider and I am a stay home mom to take care of our daughter.

He does not even think that this is a 'job in itself'.He refuses to read anything that could be beneficial, as it would also mean that he would have to take the time and the approach to work on himself. He then would have to notice that he also has 'partial fault' in what ever happens that brings upon a fight; and this is something his oversized ego refuses to admit, because he feels attacked.

What can I do?

Yvonne

Dear Yvonne

I can see where you are. He is entrenched in his refusal to open up to you, having delegated the emotional management of the family to you.

Let’s assume for a moment that your husband is not a bad guy, only a very scared person who doesn’t know how to open up, and is afraid of showing a less efficient side of him. He doesn’t know how to manage his own emotions, and this is coming from a time way back before you two met. Confronting him would only invite him to use his defenses: silence, rejection, overworking, etc.

NOW, what is left to be done? Let me think that you love him and still have a reservoir of good will towards him; that you are able to see him as a person suffering from stunted emotional development.

The FIRST STEP would be to recognize as many times as it is humanly possible the good things he is doing: his work load, his responsibilities towards providing for the family, and for the child. Talk in loud voice about how proud you are that he can do all those good things for you three. Teach your child to be appreciative of dad’s efforts to provide. Mention in the most positive way that you can find how grateful you are that he is doing all that for you and the child.

SECOND STEP would be, after you have given him all the credit for his chosen way of expressing love, begin teaching him other ways of expressing love. As you have transformed his paying the bills into a love declaration, (and reacted as if you did receive a wonderful bunch of flowers) begin telling him how much you love him in the way you care for the child and his own things (clothes, food, etc). Is it like playing the game: “Let’s see how many ways of seeing love expressed we can find?” As an example, teach your child gratitude to dad's unfaltering support of the good things she has at home, and make her feel happy and grateful she is ntaken care of.

As soon as he sees you and the child having fun and being happy in this game, he will be interested! You need to bring back his attention to how well he feels at home, without recriminations or demands, by giving him the credits for what he does, and showing him how much fun and excitement you can have at home. Plan activities with your child with the intention of having fun, and tell him that you are having this fun because he provides! And then ask him if he would like to share in the fun, as he has already paid for it.

THIRD STEP, once you got him interested in being nearer you and the child by elimination complaints and showing your satisfaction with whatever he gives, is to talk in emotional terms: “It feels good to have you here” “How nurturing is for our child to see you doing things at home,” etc. You are teaching him that emotions are not only negative aspects to be repressed but good vibrations to be enjoyed!

Keep this level of joy inside you, by renewing your dedication to learning and exploring new ways in which you can teach yourself how to be happy, with or without him. This will remove the biggest obstacle for him, which is to feel that you are depending for your happiness from him, and he doesn’t know how to deliver it! The sad situation is he even doesn’t know how to make himself happy!

Wishing you lots of love, and a Happy New Year,

Nora

What is the level of conflict at your home?

How are families the most happy? when they can process differences in a way that promotes everybody's respect.

What happens when disputes escalate into aggression or humiliation of members? A lot of unnecessary distress!

Children especially need a secure environment to grow up, where differences don't mean a battle to the annihilation of the other....every time there is an open dispute, it brings insecurity, stress and sheer terror to small children, who can not protect themselves from the im pact of negativity, vicious fighting or physical aggression.

Of course, parents and couples can disagree, and it is normal that they think from different perspectives about any issue. The main point here is HOW to process the inevitable differences....Can we keep the discussion civil? can we support our point without denigrating the other person? and how can we fight in a positive way?

We are opening here a space where to ask your questions, reflect about how to improve the home situation, and how to learn the processes that help anger management and prevent conflict escalation....Where does it hurt in your home? What would you like to change? Which aspect of your own behavior are you ready to improve?

Remember, how to show better the love that you have for your spouse and children when fighting starts and you don't know how to stop it, than learning conflict skills?