Is cheating on your spouse caused by genetics?

Why do some men and women cheat on their partners while others resist the temptation?  We have thought all this time that the answer was located on individual will and degrees of individual sexual motivations....can it be determined by other variables?

A new body of research focuses on the "science of commitment." Scientists are studying everything from the biological factors that seem to influence marital fidelity to a person’s psychological response after flirting with a stranger.

Recent studies have raised questions about whether genetic factors may influence commitment and marital stability. Hasse Walum, a biologist at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, studied 552 sets of twins to learn more about a gene related to the body’s regulation of the brain chemical vasopressin, a bonding hormone.

Over all, men who carried a variation in the gene were less likely to be married, and those who had wed were more likely to have had serious marital problems and unhappy wives. Among men who carried two copies of the gene variant, about a third had experienced a serious relationship crisis in the past year, double the number seen in the men who did not carry the variant. 

If there was such an easy explanation, like genetic predisposition, why do we humans see cheating as a moral issue? This is interesting research, but we need to know more to be able to leave cheaters off the moral obligation they violated, right? 

More stress being single than married?

Are you more vulnerable to life stresses

 if you are single?

A recent study has found that being married or in a committed romantic relationship alters hormones in a way that manages stress and brings a relaxed response to it. 

Is it probably because having a partner produces a sense of support and companionship with which to face life challenges? There is research supporting this point produced by Dario Maestripieri, at the University of Chicago: 

"The results suggest that single and unpaired individuals are more responsive to psychological stress than married individuals, a finding consistent with a growing body of evidence showing that marriage and social support can buffer against stress."

The cortisol levels (stress hormone) of single students were higher than those of their married counterparts...This research doesn't discriminate on the married life quality of non-single students; we know nothing of the variations according to the degree of companionship and support obtained from marriage, only that the fact of being married and not single helps a lot.

 Willing to manage your stress better by making your marriage work?  What about reading more about healthy relationships?

A successful marriage requires personal growth and development

We all need a lot of help if we wish to have lasting, loving marriages. Even from the world of business leadership, there are voices giving positive indications. For example, Shundrawn Thomas tells us that:

"While character is important, the ability to mold that character is paramount as well, Thomas said, drawing a parallel to marriage. “Are you still married to the same person you married five years ago? You’re probably not. You wouldn’t still be married. A successful marriage requires personal growth and development.

“This thought in your head that you can’t be anything different that what you were — if that is the position you take, you will not be effective as a leader.”

Does he mean that we need something similar to a business plan for our marriages? probably yes! At least, the assumption that a performing marriage is a contract based on the simultaneous development of both spouses, as people, is clear. Why and how we confuse ourselves thinking that we can continue as the same person we were ten years ago when the whole world is evolving around us? Perhaps because marriage is seen, basically as a refuge from life. 

Nothing can be farther from the truth, in marriage....it is either both keep growing up and developing together, or one is left behind and as the gap grows, the estrangement between spouses grows, up until the "irreconcilable differences" perception settles in. 

Assertive behavior promotes respect!

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. When you have family conflicts, this ability is essential for effective problem-solving.

Otherwise, you will do something like: submit yourself to the unjust situation, or try to "win" over the other side. Neither of them are good alternatives, because someone will lose. Having a family member lose sends the message that this person is sub-par, not worthy of rightful treatment, and breeds contempt and revenge for the future.

Also, it is important that you develop a sense of your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else's, regardless of age, power, role, or gender. Everybody's rights need to be respected.

Want to know a bit more about assertion? This is the way to assert yourself:

a) Be clear about what is irritating you. If someone in the family is using your things without permission, or not replacing them, then there is the possibility that you are getting angry.
What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Be clear on what you want: respect? a dialogue about your needs?

You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who's behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

"When you take my best dress and wear it to a party without my permission, as you did last night..."

Then declare the impact (or damage the behavior caused you) on you:

"I feel that you ignore my needs; I was planning to use that dress, and had to go with an old one to my date."

Now, say what you expect from this person:

"I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change): "don't use my things without my permission."

Your purpose is not to blame, or to start a new dispute, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior on you.

The way you present yourself: as a conscious person knowing what she wants from the other, is what causes the corrective impact.

Messages centered on the "I" pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact - have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

Setting limits to abusive behavior in a family is the best way to prevent conflicts....and being assertive is the language you need to use frequently. Want to know more? To manage relationships better

Common strategies for anger control

All of us have experienced different types of anger, and that is normal...what is worrisome is the uncontrolled expression of one's anger against others. There are a lot of suggestions to learn how to control the spontaneous anger reaction into a different response that could, in fact, improve our relationships.


Anger management strategies include a restructuring of the way one views and thinks about life situations - and more. Here are some widely-recommended anger management approaches -see links below for more details:

• Relaxation daily. One needs to control the physical response as well as the emotional. Meditation, prayer, relaxation techniques - all serve to lower the heart rate.
• Soothe yourself throughout the day: Say "Relax, you're OK, everything's going to be all right, take it easy."
• Replace cussing and high drama with non-intense words: "It's just a little frustrating but we'll fix it," or "It's not the end of the world."
• Learn good communication skills - you might be saying things that unwittingly cause some of your own frustrations. See verbalabuse.com, or look for "conflict resolution techniques" books and web sites.
• Replace emotion with logical observation: "The toaster broke. All things, sooner or later, break or stop functioning; it's normal. I need to put the repair on my list."
• Start using positive expressions: "We'll get there", "Inch by inch it's a cinch." "What can I accomplish with this extra time?"
• Don't demand, but ask and listen: "Would you have time to do such and such?"
• Say "I would like" instead of "I must have." "I would like" mentally gives you more time to get it, reducing frustration.
• Postpone problem-solving, you don't need to find a solution this minute. Be like Scarlett O'Hara. Say, "Oh well I'll think about that tomorrow."
• Postpone responses in conversations. Physically stop your tongue and breath. Especially in heated discussions. You don't need to say anything at all. Say, "I'm thinking about it" or "I need more time to digest that," or "Interesting, I'll have to think about that."
• Develop empathy. When someone criticizes you focus on them and their feelings and try to imagine how they are feeling. The ability to empathize with others quickly on the spot is the hallmark of emotional maturity.
• Make humor a priority. Read jokes, watch funny movies, try to incorporate laughing into your daily routine. This diffuses situations that used to make you tense and defensive.
• Eliminate sarcasm and sarcastic humor from your mind and your daily exposure.
• Give yourself a break - especially after work. Transition time alone will go a long way to help you remember all of the above.

From: http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html

Anger and conflict messages

Some people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, and tend to form relationships that reproduce abusive situations from the past in the present. The trick is that they are not clearly aware that their actual way of interacting with others is passive aggressive and sabotages the same bond they claim to cherish. To do so, they would have to also accept that they are now behaving in such a way (actively on others) as their parents did to them (passively, as recipients) years ago!

As we reach adulthood, our coping mechanisms become entrenched. Fear, resentment, anger, and hopelessness take over when we are dealing with conflict. The emotions are huge and seemingly uncontrollable. Depressed people frequently find a release from these negative emotions by fighting.

Conflict, in this case, reconnects the depressed party with another person. When resolution seems impossible, hopelessness leads to deeper depression and less hope. Fighting or arguing becomes the best outlet for self-expression. While this response can be healthy, some problems often follow.

Messages get misinterpreted, and those who don’t know how to process confrontations can isolate themselves and experience some further consequences such as eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and increased aggressive behavior.

These responses reveal an ongoing hidden anger together with a subsequent inability to manage it. In adulthood the anger becomes aimed at the wrong targets: instead of family members we act out at colleagues, acquaintances, lovers, and partners.

When we learn that open aggression is rejected by others, then we begin using passive aggression as a means to vent anger.

Tragically, when they are more needed than ever, conflict resolution skills disappear and leave us with the raw anger of the past, pushing us to fight, humiliate and break the other’s self-esteem!

This can be fatal in a family. If you are aware of the destructive role of anger in relationships, perhaps you can gather your courage and learn how to express frustration and sadness in a more cooperative and supportive way...At the end, we need to accept the families are composed by people who need each others' support and love, and expressing those feelings in the right way can cement love and companionship for ever.

Taming the stress monkey!

What is Your Monkey up to today?

Stress has become a household word. I am not sure when that happened. It is written about, talked about in countless books, tapes and DVDs available, promising quick and lasting relief. Most of those gather dust on people’s bookshelves while their stressful life continues.

What Causes Stress?

Let us have a closer look. Where does stress originate? Where does it actually start? I can hear you say: it is caused by my boss, my spouse, my teenage children, living in the city, technology……STOP!

Stress is created in one place and one place only – and that is your mind. Your big toe can’t make you tense nor can your little finger make you tense. In your mind you create all your fears, worries, stressful ideas and thoughts. Even if you wanted to, you could not go to a shop and buy a jar full of fear.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. It is much easier to blame somebody else outside of you. This is not where the problem originates! You are creating your thoughts and feelings.

All of these feelings cannot be measured or weighed, they are intangible. Yet, they create very real, negative results in your body. They can cause high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, insomnia, tension headaches and migraines, just to name a few.

How to Manage Stress?

To free yourself from physical and mental problems you have to tame your mind. You have to take responsibility for your mind’s actions. This might be difficult at first. You are the only one who can control your mind! You are the boss.

In a lot of the yoga literature the mind has been compared to a monkey, hopping around on a tree or from tree to tree, constantly moving and playing tricks on us. The mind is very restless, unable to concentrate and focus on one thing for any length of time. It creates ideas of fear, anxiety and guilt which turn into feelings.

Our body responds to those feelings by tensing certain parts, cutting blood flow to one area and sending more to another one, pouring out stress hormones which then cause blood pressure to rise and lots of other nasty things. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

How to Tame Your Monkey

• First of all, be gentle with yourself. It takes tame to re-learn the art of relaxation. Don’t feel bad if your mind wanders off, gently bring it back.
• Choose a method of relaxation that suits your personality and lifestyle. It is not going to work for you to buy a lovely 1 hour relaxation CD if you can only spare 10 minutes a day.
• Some simple methods to use:
o Buy a guided relaxation CD that you really like and feel comfortable with. Play it as it is or download it onto your computer or ipod.
o Create a quiet environment without disruptions. Take the phone off the hood and turn off your mobile.
o Make sure you are comfortable, sit or lie down. Don’t fall asleep.
o Keep bringing your mind back to the relaxation, no matter how often it wanders off. Keep persevering. In the beginning that might be very difficult.
o Join a stress management or yoga class; it might be easier for you to be in a group environment.
o Get private coaching or sessions with someone you trust till you feel comfortable working on your own.
o Get your partner involved. Have a relaxation session together. You then will be able to support each other during the day if you notice that the other person is starting to get tense or stressed out.
o Teach your children how to relax – you will have a much more peaceful household. They will be able to use the techniques they learnt before their exams.
o As time goes on, you will feel calmer and more relaxed overall. It will take longer to “stress you out”. You will be more aware of your body and where you hold your tension. Celebrate those achievements.
o Take action! No results without doing something. Do yourself and your family a favor and start “Taming your Monkey” today.

You will find a lot more helpful information, resources, support and encouragement on the website: www.yogahinahurry.com

Remember that even the longest journey starts with that single, very first step! I wish you good luck on your journey!

Connie from www.yogainahurry.com