Don’t Open the Door to Passive Aggression

Don’t Open the Door to Passive Aggression

Too near, too far? How personal boundaries and self-esteem mix

Too near, too far? How personal boundaries and self-esteem mix

Are You Haunted By a Need for Unconditional Love?

According to our “Valentine’s Dream” (now “Deep Love Needs”) survey conducted on our blog, many couples across the nation share a similar (and basic) relationship need.

We asked our readers to share what they were looking for in a relationship, as well as concerns they had in their current relationships.

The results were surprisingly similar across the board. At the most basic, men and women continually expressed a need for unconditional love in the relationship (about 70%). In needing to be loved unconditionally, a recurring complaint was that issues were not solved out of a fear of it becoming “personal.”

What we learn as we become better partners is that in a good relationship, both of you can talk about relationship or life issues without it getting personal. However, when one or either of you take criticism personally, it can hurt your love. Suddenly you’re being prickly and defensive and trying to “attack” back. Many relationship conflicts start (and continue) because of this perceived lack of acceptance. It can escalate to the point that you no longer feel that your partner loves you, or that your partner won’t love you anymore if you bring up an issue.

A deep love need, then (and a basic relationship requirement), is to both give unconditional love, and feel like you are receiving it.

Based on the results of the Deep Love Needs Survey, we are already working on new resources for our clients and readers, including a book about the silent treatment, a behavior that contributes heavily to a partner questioning the other’s commitment to the relationship. Our other new resources are set to be released shortly as Kindle books. In the meantime, you can enjoy the new “Relationship Repair Month” membership site, which provides a free 4-week relationship repair course.

We are always willing to reach out to a wider audience and understand more about what individuals and couples are struggling with in their relationships. Because of this, the “Deep Love Needs Survey” will become a permanent part of the National Relationships Month blog; it can be found: Relationship Repair Month.

Feeling what the other person feels?

Feeling Another Person’s Feelings Is The Magic Glue for Love

We’ve all heard those old sayings, “Actions speak louder than words” and “Reading someone else’s body language.” But what do they really mean? How can we see those ideas as real satisfaction indicators within relationships?

All humans are social creatures at their core – even if those hermit-like people among us don’t realize it. As social creatures, we are hardwired to show our emotional states to others in every facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, and how fast or slow those are shared. The language of our bodies and expressions can change the way we feel about or react to another person.

Within relationships, it often happens that two people who know each other very well come to naturally recognize and understand each other’s body language. However, even then, we’re not always aware of the signals we ourselves are giving off to others. It’s important that even the happiest couples learn to reflect on both their signals and their partner’s, in order to reach better understanding and needs fulfillment.

Some experts have explored an idea they call “feeling felt.” This is when you have the sense that your partner feels your feelings (attunement) and is able to respond in the appropriate way. “Feeling felt” is something that we all instinctively need, emotionally. And we need it at every stage of life.

Relationships where each person has this need satisfied are usually relationships where positive emotions run high and negative emotions are rare.

If you’ve been following along with us for a while, you’ve probably read this and already guessed that “feeling felt” is pretty much dependent on having a secure attachment to one another, right? It’s true that someone with a passive aggressive or avoidant partner isn’t going to “feel felt” very often.

What is interesting about feeling your partner’s feelings is that it’s often non-verbal. In classic empathy between those who don’t know each other well, you can understand where people are coming from or feel sad when they do, but they have to verbally say, “I’m feeling this” first. When a couple is properly attuned with each other, strong positive (or strong negative) emotions can be sensed in a way that isn’t expressed in words. Rather, it’s expressed in body language, expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.

Want to get to know your partner well enough that you can both know what it’s like to “feel felt”? Perhaps you want this, but you’re not sure your partner understands the importance of it? We can help! Please visit us at Conflict Coach to learn more about what you can do to find attunement and secure attachment in your relationships. Our coaches are standing by! 

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having your Conflict Coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Neil Warner

80% of Men Feel They Have No Responsibility to Be Open With Loved Ones

68% of Men Prefer to Retreat and Say “Yes” To Avoid Fighting

68% of Men Prefer to Retreat and Say “Yes” To Avoid Fighting

Women like you are taking the passive aggressive test: you are not alone!