Neil Warner

Neil Warner

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

What is the level of conflict at your home?

How are families the most happy? when they can process differences in a way that promotes everybody's respect.

What happens when disputes escalate into aggression or humiliation of members? A lot of unnecessary distress!

Children especially need a secure environment to grow up, where differences don't mean a battle to the annihilation of the other....every time there is an open dispute, it brings insecurity, stress and sheer terror to small children, who can not protect themselves from the im pact of negativity, vicious fighting or physical aggression.

Of course, parents and couples can disagree, and it is normal that they think from different perspectives about any issue. The main point here is HOW to process the inevitable differences....Can we keep the discussion civil? can we support our point without denigrating the other person? and how can we fight in a positive way?

We are opening here a space where to ask your questions, reflect about how to improve the home situation, and how to learn the processes that help anger management and prevent conflict escalation....Where does it hurt in your home? What would you like to change? Which aspect of your own behavior are you ready to improve?

Remember, how to show better the love that you have for your spouse and children when fighting starts and you don't know how to stop it, than learning conflict skills?

1 comment:

3nity Solution said...

Dear Nora,

I really like your introductory to your e-book. There is many truth in what you are stating, yet what would you do, if the other person is not interested in 'fixing' anything, because he truly believes that we don't fit?

Also, he has no time to focus on 'us', because he is working to grow his business and does not exert any thoughts other than towards his business.
This is also the reason why he does not make time for shared activities, or to spend time with our daughter by taking here anywhere for 'daughter and father' time.

Just the mere fact for me to try to bring the subject onto relationship and working things out gets him annoyed and angry, because it takes away from his valuable time.

I had tried to reply to your first e-mail on Dec. 24th which came back as a Mailer Deamon, so I am posting it here:

Dear Neal and Nora,

thank you very much for this wonderful e-mail,
and Merry Christmas to you, too.

I agree with many things that you are stating here.

One question though: How do you get someone interested in working out misperceptions, whih are followed by his anger as well as his control issues when he is not interested in even making an effort, because he thinks he does not feel like putting any attention towards solving emotional issues, or the way we relate-issues, as he feels it is all my fault?
He also sais that he has no time to sweat the 'small stuff', which in my opinion is not small at all, because it disrupts our family life, especially for our little girl.

I am sitting here reading many things and breaking my head over finding a solution to get him engaged of even wanting to make things better. He has given up completely as he feels he does not want to put time or effort into conversations that are based on a more understanding, humble and intellectual approach. He feels that it is enough to talk about things one time and if things don't work then it does not make sense. My husband believes in a 'quick fix' otherwise he has no time to waste.

I am saddened over his mentality concerning the approach of how relationships and family life should work out and be lived, because to me it simply states that it is either 'his way, or the highway'. My feelings and opinions don't count in of his perspective, as he is the provider and I am a stay home mom to take care of our daughter. He does not even think that this is a 'job in itself'.

He refuses to read anything that could be beneficial, as it would also mean that he would have to take the time and the approach to work on himself. He then would have to notice that he also has 'partial fault' in what ever happens that brings upon a fight; and this is something his oversized ego refuses to admit, because he feels attacked.

What can I do?

Thank you so much for any insights on your behalf.

Love and Light to you,