Neil Warner

Neil Warner

Sunday, October 10, 2010

How can you hurt the same person you love?

The experience of being in love with someone is a complicated near as you can be, the risk of getting deeply hurt grows.

In the dance between dependence and independence from the other, we can hurt this person by not showing enough love (to show that we can live without him/her) or by showing too much love (showing that we can be so needy as to be able to smother her).

Whatever the moment, there is always this tension, making of the relationship a bittersweet experience. Perhaps it's the same nature of this relationship, says Aaron Ben-Zeév, because this relationship involves our happiness and our life we have so much at stake and there is much to lose; we are more prone to experience this frustration, isolation and hurt. 

We are torn between two poles: mutual dependency can be comforting, but also suffocating our own sense of self. The exact degree of independence from each other allows us to keep a right amount of self-esteem....Is in this frame that we can see sudden anger expressions as ways of limiting the dependence and regaining a bit more of self-esteem. Anger in this case doesn't mean rejection or lack of love, but a healthy defense of our own inner a useful means to strengthen or readjust a relationship.

Understanding this complicated dance of independence/dependence is vital for the relationship survival. Thus, is necessary to change some frames of mind that tend to see the other’s need for some privacy as abandonment; and begin to see it as a necessary measure to regain sense of self…If we can see in this way our lover’s actions, we would be hurt less times by our own interpretation of self-preservation as hurt intended towards us.

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